I might be a stupid. I might be a shut-in. I might be a stupid shut-in.

I work from home, part-time. Recently though, I had to ‘go in.’ I had to go in to this company that I work for. They made me come there. I used to work there full-time. I used to go there every single day, all day.

Before, my job was a ‘place’ – a place where I could see the faces and see the facial expressions of coworkers; I could smell their bad breath; I could sense their physical energy; I could sense the energy of the room, the energy of the synergy.
Now, my job is just a virtual space that I log onto, a series of text segments floating across a glowing screen. It remains emotionless because to enter emotional things into an electronic device (where there are logs and documentation) could be a bad move. There are many reasons why I transitioned from working there full-time and physical to working remotely, part-time.

On this visit to the physical location of my employer, I contained my emotions pretty well for the first few hours. The coworkers invited me to have a drink with them to celebrate the completion of a big project. The drinking and the light, fun, and funny conversation gradually transformed into hard and heavy complaining about a particular department. I have to work closely with that department.

Apparently one of the people in that department called me stupid. She said it to a coworker of mine. This coworker of mine mentioned it…right in front of me…right in front of everybody…as we sat there with our beers, getting drunk. I got mad. I left.

She said this to someone in my department. She said it, and before she said, I guess she was thinking: my coworker would be a person who would be receptive to this statement. So my coworker probably thinks it too. So probably, there are more people who think it too. This is the kind of thing that is being said about me ‘out there.’

I’m very sensitive to this. I space out. I lose my focus. I day dream. I forget key facts and then make dumb statements due to these lapses in memory.

There are all kinds of smarts. When somebody calls somebody else stupid, it makes ya want to ask: What kind of stupid…or…what kind of smarts does this person lack.

I can bring incredible focus. With my job, there are only two other people in my company who could do my job, and really, they would need time to get up to speed with it. People look at my computer screen and make comments like:

“I have no idea what any of that is.”


“I’m glad I don’t have to do that.”


“What is all of that?”

It’s technology stuff. Data stuff. They don’t even have the applications on their computer to do the stuff that I do. They are not allowed access to that ‘kind’ of thing. I do a very hard job. 

But I lack discipline. I don’t think I am ‘stupid’ in some kind of comprehensive way. I’m not stupid in every category. I just space out and stop paying attention. Like with these coworkers…I just stop listening to them because I don’t really care what they’re saying a lot of the time.

Smarts and Awareness are so similar, I realize. And by Awareness, I mean, a spiritual kind of awareness where we are mindful of everything in our environment, meditation, aware of what’s happening around us and aware of what’s happening inside of us, and we remain balanced in that Awareness. We are Aware that emotions come and go, and that they’ll go if we let go. We are Aware that we really are not as separate from each other as we think. We are Aware that we are part of a whole. We are aware that there is a middle path, that extremes are ‘stupid.’ Awareness: It’s similar, to me, to smarts. Smarts and awareness. I lapse on both of them. Smarts: I let key facts slip during the collective problem solving process. Awareness: I let stupid comments bother me, and I keep my grasp the hot coals of anger. I get tunnel vision, the tunnel is a tunnel to negative emotions. I lose sight of the nature of things.


About HappyApathy

It eels what it eels.
This entry was posted in antisocial, presence, self-help, spirituality and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to I might be a stupid. I might be a shut-in. I might be a stupid shut-in.

  1. amarava says:

    It’s amazing how often we forget to be aware. Every single day I catch myself getting worked up over some small thing. Hard habit to break, but to be conscious of the fact that it happens is the first step.

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