It looks like I’ve been written off by two different friends. There are two major transitions occurring in my life right now, and I just have not been managing my time very well. I’ve neglected these friends. It’s not just a time thing though. It’s the ‘nature’ of the friendship, as well, that added strain. I feel like I can only talk about one of these people because the other might read this. As I type this now, I’m not even sure I will really post it. I’m just sorting things out…writing therapy…idle hands…writing: the nervous habit…and so on.
The one friend that I feel I can talk about (because there’s no way he knows about this blog, and though I have encouraged him, he has no interest in blogging, though he seems to have lots to say on various topics all the time, lots of interesting (eccentric) little theories and philosophies…and again: I don’t feel very comfortable writing about any of this….but…don’t keep secrets from your diaries…full disclosure for full effect …blah blah) this one friend who I’ll talk about: I have, in the past, tended to neglect him when I get a girlfriend. Or: he tends to hate the girl who is my girlfriend, for whatever reason, he had a horrible girlfriend relationship ending a few years ago, and I almost think that he hates all women now…or that he’s afraid of women…or, and this is very possible, I have in the past dated some pretty wild women – and this tendency of mine has made him suspicious of any woman I would select, and therefore he chooses to stay away…even though I always invite him to hang out, us three, him, my girlfriend and me…but he does not take me up on it. It’s like he assumes that the girlfriend will be somebody he will not like, somebody undesirable…hey, I should be highly offended by that.
He lives an hour away. Our usual routine is one dude goes to the other dude’s place for the weekend – crashes the whole weekend and hangs out doing whatever…usually lots of netflix watching and talking about spiritual stuff. He has very strong and fervent opinions and attitudes about spiritual stuff and life stuff and armchair philosophy stuff, and splintered politics stuff and MAJOR MAJOR conspiracy stuff: He’s into Illuminati, he thinks 9/11 was pulled off by Jewish people (I mean: why the fuck did I ever hang around this person????), he has a very inflated opinion of his own level of enlightenment…He has spent his life reading about religions and spirituality, so he really knows a lot about that stuff. But it seems like he has missed a key point: Or he is just not LIVING it, he’s not practicing what he preaches…here’s what I mean…the main point that he seems to have missed: EGO!! His ego, when it comes to spiritual…’know-how’…his ego, he thinks he’s some kind of GURU…his ego: he starts statements like this, “I will try to explain this to you, but you probably won’t understand.” Or, “There are things that I have seen that other people would never be able to comprehend.” Or, “You probably won’t understand this, but I’ll try to explain it to you.” …yeah yeah yeah, whatever man. And he loves to give sermons. He beats me to death with this stuff. He will talk at me with spiritual stuff for hours at a time. Or he’ll go, “I want to try something with you,” and he’ll ask me a series of questions, and demand that I answer, and he will pick apart each answer. Fuck you man. Shut the fuck up already. I feel bad because I think I am the only friend he has around here. He has friends in other places, I guess, but..
I have learned a lot from this guy. I met him right after a thirteen year relationship with my wife ended…I was a mess. I was working on myself, but he showed me a lot of new spiritual stuff I had never heard of. I am grateful for that. But he goes overboard with the shit.
And his ego. It goes against everything I have read or heard about spiritual stuff: Too much ego is bad bad bad. Another spiritual thing I have heard is that…after a while…you don’t need to be seeking – you finally find IT. He is a lifer…a life-long seeker. Why has he not ‘found it’ yet?
Here’s a ridiculous statement he made one time, “Man, I’m more awake than Gandih…Eckhart Tolle…Gangaji…any of those people…” Why the fuck did I hang out with this guy??? I was pretty desparate. I felt pretty sorry for him (and myself)…other than these flaws I have pointed out above, he’s actually pretty easy to get along with…but these are some major flaws…and he does not play well with others at all…he withdraws…he doesn’t do the social thing very well, but one on one with me, we somehow had a friendship thing going…I don’t know, it’s confusing…I needed a friend. Friendships start up for various reasons. You ignore or tolerate a lot of bullshit to maintain friendships.
I hate to lose friends. I think of the great times that were had.
I also think of the not so great times.
The fact is: I would resume friendship with either of these people in a second. They wrote me off because I think they might think I’ve written them off. I haven’t. I’ve just got two major life transitions going on: I am moving. I am in a relationship.