Where do I stand?

I am reading a very intense book about a guy who was in prison. I have been watching documentaries about regimented military life. I have heard recent descriptions about career paths of career minded individuals. Each of these accounts detail such structured, regimented, planned paths.

I do not have a clear path. It is even less clear now that I work from home. I don’t really have much structure. Just be online and be working and listen for the skype sound…listen for the emails…check the smartsheets for needed data sets…check the ticket queue. Hope they send the checks in the mail like they said they’d do.

I don’t have healthcare. I don’t have to look nice. I might not speak to another human all day…well…there will be one human I will most likely talk to…as long as she can stand me.

This lack of structure could be maddening. It could be liberating. It could be dramatic…I could make it sound all dramatic, but the big question is who cares. Who cares who cares who cares who cares who cares.

Who cares.

There is some caring going on, I am the witness of it. It is taking place in this brain that they have entrusted me with.

Really, everything is the sanest it’s ever been. When you are subjected to these institutions, you are subjected to a type of madness. These institutions don’t work the way they are ‘supposed to,’ and everybody knows it. There is a lot of spackle that has to be spread into the cracks to keep the darkness out. Or the light. Or the bugs.

At least I’m not getting bit up by bugs. That’s one standard I should adhere to: Do not put yourself in a position where you’re getting bitten up by bugs.

Another standard that would be a good one: Keep some sort of paychecks coming in.

Another: Keep your self healthy.

Another: Try not to incur any fines.

Another: Be nice.

Another: Re-establish bonds with family members whom you have neglected.

The fact is: I have good work to do. I am doing stuff that is pretty advanced, fairly cutting edge. It’s not leading edge, but it’s pretty far advanced of what a lot of workers do. It’s challenging. It’s now. It’s future. Data stuff. 

Keep learning. Keep working. Stay aware. Keep working on the side dreams when possible. Be light. Be graceful. Don’t worry. Don’t complain. Keep your own structure. Build your own life. Make your life into a work of art. Find your own meaning. Drape every second in the meaning you have woven for yourself. Try not to fuck things up with whatever friends you’ve managed to accumulate. Keep on them. Even if they don’t respond. You’re not the bastard they think you are. You’re not an asshole…not all  of the time anyway. They liked you at some point. Whatever they liked, bring that back and keep it around. Give them your attention. Give them your time. Be them. Let them be you. Be clear. Be concise. Be honest. 

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About HappyApathy

It eels what it eels.
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