Leaving

I am leaving town. I am applying for jobs every day in another town. Regardless of whether I find a job, I am leaving my current job and leaving my current town, and I am moving to another town.

I am in my current town because I followed a lady here. She has left me. I am now with another lady. This lady wants to leave town. I want to leave town too.

I am trying my hardest to have a job lined up so that I can move right into a new and ‘good’ job when I move to the new town. I (we) have picked out a town based on the results of a pretty ‘scientific’ questionnaire. The questionnaire gives you a list of towns when you respond to a series of questions.

The town I’m moving to has lots of technology. It has lots of museums. It has lots of parks. It has lots of outdoorsy things to do. It has terrific libraries. It has ‘culture.’ It has low crime. The unemployment rate is low. The cost of living is not that prohibitive, and if I find the costs in town to be too much, it will be easy enough to find an affordable place in the sticks just outside of town.

With every job I’ve had in the last fifteen years, I have started the job as a temp. I am now facing that prospect again. I am 43 years old now, and it is likely that I will be taking a major pay cut and going and getting a temp job. I will leave my current job – without having a new job lined up – and I will go to this new town and apply to a different temp agency every day until one of them puts me in a job that I can stomach. I might work a job for a day or a half a day and then decide I hate it and quit. Eventually I will find a job though. The job will likely go permanent. This has been my pattern.

The job will go permanent, but I will start low at the low end of the pay scale. Because I’ll be a temp. And I’ll have no leverage. I’ll do a good job for them as a temp, and they’ll want to keep me, and they’ll offer me a permanent job. They won’t offer much pay. They won’t offer me as much pay as they’d offer a person who comes in like a ‘normal person.’ I am just not among the normal. I don’t look good on paper. I am a job changer. My resume looks like shit on a long enough time-line. If they offer me a job, and I don’t like the pay rate that they offer, they can just tell me to fuck off, I’m a temp. “Fuck you. Stay a temp, temp. You’re not like a normal person we have to offer real money to. Take it or leave it or go home and die.”

I worked my ass off to get to where I am right now. I learned a bunch of technology crap, and I moved through my current organization, working in three departments and ending up in a pretty technical job. An information technology job. Really it’s a marketing job, but I work in the information technology department. It took me four and a half years to get into the information technology department. I have been in there two and a half years or so.

I am overwhelmed in my current job, my ‘technology’ job. The people in there are super smart, and they’re tough as nails, and they have pedigree, technology pedigree. I don’t have this. I hustled my ass off to get in there. I had never really been technical. The only technology crap I had ever been into was internet fun. Blogging. Not very technical at all.

I am afraid. I am afraid I will quit my current job and not be able to find a very good temp job. I will then regret my decision incredibly. This is my pattern.

I won’t be homeless though. I am moving to the town 30 minutes away from where my sister lives. My sister lives on an old farm in a mobile home. She has a camper in the back where I sleep when I go to visit her. She always offers to let me stay there. It’s kind of cool and fun and crazy to go visit her. I freeze my ass off when I go visit her in winter. The camper is not very warm. One time I slept there in all of my clothes, my jacket, a knit cap – in my sleeping bag – underneath another sleeping bag which was under three blankets. I slept okay though.

All week I have been trying to figure out how to write this. I started this post three times. I am now going to just end it abruptly because I think I might now be able to get some sleep. It’s 2:25 am, and I have to be at my technology job in a few hours.

One last thing: My spiritual crap that I read says that moving to a new town does not solve your problems. You take your problems with you. But fuck that. Butt-fuck that.

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About HappyApathy

It eels what it eels.
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